RANTS AND RAVES: Turkey Help!!

Can someone tell me how to fuck a turkey properly?
I’m wanting to fuck the perfect turkey this Thanksgiving, and I’ve done the research online and it seems as though everyone has a different way of fucking their turkey and now I’m unsure of how to fuck mine. I know you’re supposed to thaw the turkey out and then scoop the gizzard and all that, but I don’t know how long to fuck it for. And at what temperature? Some people said to fuck it for 6-8 hours and others said only 4. Supposedly it depends on how big the turkey is. Also, some people suggested tying up the legs before fucking it and others said to leave the legs open. And also, what about basting? Should I baste the turkey before I fuck it or should I baste it half way through fucking it, or both? Thanks, your fucking suggestions will save my Thanksgiving!

RANTS AND RAVES: It's not Halloweek you little trick-or-treat shits

To the little shits who have been trick-or-treating in my neighborhood since Friday night, get a life you little cavity tooth fuckers, don’t think that you can go and turn this little fat kid holiday into some sort of escapade that lasts the entire week. It’s not happening, I don’t care if you try this shit a week before or a day before. The candy-givers determine when the holiday is, not the little shits who open their pillow cases and yell obscene things at my door when I don’t answer. And don’t think I’ll be fooled when you’re dressed up in different costumes come actual Halloween night you little spiderman shit and goblin shit and Joker shit. I know your little shit voices.

Response from Becky & Dan:
You should turn off your porch light.You don't sound like someone who likes children.

RANTS AND RAVES: Diaper Help!!!

Does anybody know how to change a diaper without touching it? My husband thought he found a way but then shit got all over the house. I don’t even mind doing it myself, I’m just asking for him because if I don’t he’s going to keep making retarded tools to try. Thanks!

RANTS AND RAVES: Itchy Anus - Calgary

Help – my asshole is sooooooooo itchy. I know it sounds funny but it’s not. Imagine 100 mosquitos biting your ass at one time, their little stingers piercing within the depths of the dozen or so crevices of the tender asshole skin, it’s absolute torture. I wanna scratch it so bad. I wanna scratch scratch scratch. But I know if I scratch it will bring the wrath of 1000 mosquitos and a smelly ass finger. I can’t handle it! Please, someone who has had an itchy asshole in times past, please help me and tell me what to do to stop this itch. Should I visit the doctor? Apply cream? I wanna fart. I wanna fart so that the squeak of air passing through the anular tube brings with it enough vibration to give me a smidgen or relief. Just a smidgen. I’ve got to scratch. I’m sorry, but I’ve got to. I’ve got to make this asshole itch go away!!!

Response from Anonymous:
Sounds like you got worms boy
Try holding some bread to your anus and see what happens
let us all know k

Response from Anonymous:
Try Lanacane - "works well for all types of itching." Also, wash your bum first so as to avoid the smelly finger.