FOR SALE: BED - Never been fucked on

I have a mattress for sale that I've only had a short time, I prefer a softer mattress. It's from IKEA, their Urkj model. The mattress is in perfect condition, complete with mattress cover. There are no visible stains and the mattress has never been fucked on.

Selling for $150 obo
Pick-up only

JOBS: FOOD/BEV/HOSPITALITY - Barftender

Looking to hire a barftender for a newly renovated pub in the Lougheed area of Coquitlam.

Duties include mixing drinks that will turn to barf, keeping the barf area clean and organized, and wiping up barf from drunks you served 20 minutes before.

This is a newly renovated facility that does not yet smell like barf and we'd like to keep it that way. There are no barf stains on the seat cushions or carpets, we would like the pub to remain barf-stain free.

Candidates must be:
punctual
organized
reliable
experienced at tending barf
have a thick stomach lining

Please reply with resume and qualifications. Compensation based on experience. Priority given to those with experience in scooping up barf.

PERSONALS: I'm a spammer - 29 (w4m)

I’m a blond haired blue-eyed author. I like games with blindfolds, horticulture, and sexual biblical references. I also have a fascination with marketing and am currently completing my masters in it.

Looking for a guy who likes the outdoors, can slow down to appreciate the simple things in life. A guy who can excite me and cook me breakfast once in a while.

Just so you know, I’m a spammer. I need to confess this early on, because before you even take me on a date, I will spam up the telephone conversation, and then when you drive me in your car, I’ll spam on the way. I’ll spam in your bed if we have sex after. I’ll even spam on your penis! I can’t help it. I’m a spammer.

Here is some of my spam:

alisonslist.blogspot.com

SERVICES: FARM & GARDEN - Bikini Weed-eaters

… & gardeners, lawn mowers, etc.

We’ll come to your house and cut your lawn or pick weeds, do whatever light outside yard work in our bikinis. Similar to the service bikini/underwear maids perform, except outside. Plus the added benefit of everyone seeing a hot lady cut your grass.

Email for more info/electronic flyer

(PS - No jokes about bush trimming, please, unless you never want our service)

FOR SALE: JEWELLERY - Rolodex Watch

I have a Rolodex watch that my ex gave me and now I would like to sell it to the highest bidder. I have no idea how much Rolodexes cost but I'm hoping it will pay for my Past Life regression certification or something. I don't have a source of income anymore so I have to rely on stuff like this. Does anybody use watches anymore, please. Even if someone is kind enough to send me a message telling me how much I should charge for a Rolodex, I would really appreciate it.

EROTIC SERVICES: Poo Underwear

Sometimes when I'm so turned on thinking about a hot man, I have to go poo and I poo in my underwear just a tiny bit but enough to leave a little mark of poo to help me remember how hot my fantasy man gets me. When I'm wearing a thong there's even more poo cause it's closer to the poo in my butt that is just waiting to shoot out in anticipation of my hot fantasy bursting through my bathroom door. Sometimes I even poo more than a smudgen, I poo a half-dollar size dollup of poo in my cute little pink lacy panties that I got 2 for 1 deal cause I go through lots of underwear cause I poo in it. I always got tons of poo underwear in my laundry basket, just waiting to get washed and then pooed on again.

Would you like a pair of my poo underpants? Send me a hot message and maybe it will turn me on enough to have to go poo so much I can't hold it all in and a little poo comes out and leaves a nice brown stain for you. I would love to mail it to you so you can see and smell how much you turn me on.

Poo Panties - $25
Poo Thong - $35
Quarter size poo smudgen - $45
Half-dollar size poo smudgen - $55

(Poo smudgens come on pairs of plain white cotton undies)

RANTS AND RAVES: Turkey Help!!

Can someone tell me how to fuck a turkey properly?
I’m wanting to fuck the perfect turkey this Thanksgiving, and I’ve done the research online and it seems as though everyone has a different way of fucking their turkey and now I’m unsure of how to fuck mine. I know you’re supposed to thaw the turkey out and then scoop the gizzard and all that, but I don’t know how long to fuck it for. And at what temperature? Some people said to fuck it for 6-8 hours and others said only 4. Supposedly it depends on how big the turkey is. Also, some people suggested tying up the legs before fucking it and others said to leave the legs open. And also, what about basting? Should I baste the turkey before I fuck it or should I baste it half way through fucking it, or both? Thanks, your fucking suggestions will save my Thanksgiving!