RANTS AND RAVES: Itchy Anus - Calgary

Help – my asshole is sooooooooo itchy. I know it sounds funny but it’s not. Imagine 100 mosquitos biting your ass at one time, their little stingers piercing within the depths of the dozen or so crevices of the tender asshole skin, it’s absolute torture. I wanna scratch it so bad. I wanna scratch scratch scratch. But I know if I scratch it will bring the wrath of 1000 mosquitos and a smelly ass finger. I can’t handle it! Please, someone who has had an itchy asshole in times past, please help me and tell me what to do to stop this itch. Should I visit the doctor? Apply cream? I wanna fart. I wanna fart so that the squeak of air passing through the anular tube brings with it enough vibration to give me a smidgen or relief. Just a smidgen. I’ve got to scratch. I’m sorry, but I’ve got to. I’ve got to make this asshole itch go away!!!

Response from Anonymous:
Sounds like you got worms boy
Try holding some bread to your anus and see what happens
let us all know k

Response from Anonymous:
Try Lanacane - "works well for all types of itching." Also, wash your bum first so as to avoid the smelly finger.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: Sexy Peanut Vendor - Fenway Park, Boston

You're a sexy peanut vendor and I'm a home girl with blond hair and a little average looking. Peanut vendor, I have a debilitating crush on you. I’ve bought roasted peaunuts from you a couple of times before, I don’t think you’ve noticed that I like you but you might have. I thought I’d try on here just in case. I should let you know that on 2 occasions now I’ve taken the empty peanut bag after I've finished the peanuts and I've put it down my underwear up against my butt cheek and left it there for the day. One time I even bought peanuts from you while I had an empty peanut bag pressed against my buttock, and then I took it out of my pants while you weren't looking and put it on your table in the hopes that you would touch it after. I don’t know why I do that but if that’s ok with you or even a turn on then I guess you can respond to this ad. If that creeps you out then sorry, I’m not a stalker. I just like to put an empty peanut bag down my pants that your hand has been on.

Response from Italianbabe: pretty Kinky i do shit like that with the womani love be well and its normal I hope

MISSED CONNECTIONS: Guy holding Pussy Lunchbox - Manhattan

You – Guy on sidewalk holding pussy lunchbox / Me – girl driving past in blue Honda, caught my eye. To the guy on the sidewalk holding the pussy lunchbox on Wednesday at lunch, You’re hot. And you had pussies all over your lunchbox, like, who does that? The only people who I thought did that are pervs, so that’s awesome. Because you definitely weren’t a perv – you were a business guy. Business guys would never do that, they buy their lunch. But you had a pussy lunchbox. That’s crazy, man. I love you cause you’re different.

FOR SALE: FAN

I have a brand new Superstore fan that I bought and realized I’d just bought one on my last shopping trip! I don’t know how I forgot about that, but it’s a Honeywell stem fan and is in top condition. It’s only been used once because we had to dry up a spill and needed another fan, but it’s never been used on a person and you can buy the fucking fan and pick it up for $40. The comparison price in the store is $60.

BARTER: Half a bottle of KY for offer

I have half a bottle of ky lubricant that I’m never gonna use again. If someone wants it, I would be willing to trade it for something else that’s relatively worthless.

MISSED CONNECTIONS: Girl Who Farted at McDonalds - Sept 8

To the girl who farted in line in front of me at McDonalds. It was fucked cause you were so hot, and then you let the most rank thing into the air, and after that I actually lost my apetite and had to leave. You made me re-think the idea of hot women completely, and now I am happy to say I am engaged to my sweetheart of 8 months who I wasn’t appreciating at that time in the McDonalds line, but to who I am now fully devoted and in absolute love with. She may not be as hot as you, or as bold to let one go like that, and that’s what’s perfect about her. If I ever see you again I would like to invite you to our wedding cause I’ve got lots of single buddies who I’m hoping you would fart for and change their lives for the better too. Thank you.

MISSED CONNECTION: Zits on Chest/Back

You - zits, Me - zits

K, this might sound weird, but we were both on Kits beach last Saturday, and it was a really busy hot day so it was packed with people, and I think we connected over our acne. You had acne on your back but you still played volleyball like a pro and didn’t seem to care, and it inspired me to take off my t-shirt and not worry about my zits on my chest. Then I think you might have noticed that about me – and I know this is weird but I want to marry you. And have your children. Except I’m a man too so maybe we would have to adopt. And that would be okay cause then our kid wouldn’t have a one hundred percent chance of getting acne.